I Heart Dating

When romance isn’t enough.

Mind Field
By Karen Kolbe

Here’s something I’ve noticed in my practice that I have a hard time explaining: people seek counseling for almost everything having to do with their relationships—poor communication, infidelity, fights over money and parenting, building intimacy, to name a few issues — but I rarely see people when they’re attempting to find or create a relationship. When they’re, you know, dating.

Maybe they’ve spent so much on their eHarmony memberships that they can’t afford to see a therapist. But it’s ironic, because this is a time when people often make some pretty lousy decisions, or just take leave of their senses altogether. I think this happens for a couple of reasons. First, we tend to have some strange and highly unrealistic expectations about romantic attachments. Also, in our culture we tend to focus more on curing disease than preventing it. So over and over again, people barrel headlong into ill-advised relationships and then try to repair the damages much later.

So let’s talk about prevention, shall we? Having some good, solid information up front can save a lot of heartache.

Some of the best data regarding long-term relationship success comes from a now-famous study that was done in 1979 by a researcher named Dr. Ted Huston. He followed the progress of 168 couples from when they were newlyweds through 14 years of marriage (for those that lasted that long). And some of his findings should be carved into tablets and distributed at speed-dating happy hours everywhere. These couples provided testament to how things shake out over time. For instance:

• Couples who are high on the hearts-flowers-fireworks scale as newlyweds, the lovey-dovey ones with all the embarrassing public displays of affection who report being deeply in love while dating? They’re the most likely to divorce.
  
  
• The higher the expectations were in the beginning, based on amped-up, idealized images each partner had of the other, the more likely the couple experienced significant unhappiness in the marriage.
  
  
• Men with stereotypically “feminine” traits—such as nurturing, empathy, and patience—make better spouses, and their marriages tend to last.
  
  
• Women who smell trouble when they’re dating someone—their instincts tell them they can expect problems with the guy in the future — generally find out later that they were right, and should have trusted those instincts.

Because so many of us suffer from some measure of self-doubt and insecurity, we tend to present shiny, embellished versions of ourselves when we first get to know others. But it’s impossible to play that part forever, and sooner or later we’re found out to be the imperfect people that we desperately hid from view. The trick is to make your peace with that imperfection and to let a potential love interest see your authentic self.

It may surprise some people to find out that part of being authentic means admitting that we all have masculine and feminine traits, and to stop presenting simplified Ken and Barbie versions of ourselves for dating purposes. This is insulting to everyone; it’s got to stop.

The relationships that last, Huston’s study found, are the ones that began with realistic expectations (no, those impressive weekend trips to Cabo are probably not affordable or sustainable over the long haul. And does he really share your passion for Sandra Bullock movies, or is he just playing along?). These were relationships that didn’t include a lot of turbulence and conflict early on, and unfolded slowly over time. Best friends, it turns out, really do make the best partners.

Karen Kolbe, M.A., L.P.C., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice who specializes in relationship, family, and parenting issues. She can be reached at 602-799-7415 or karenkolbe.com.